Baby Buhl—You’ll just have heaven before we do

(This song has been playing like a broken record in my head for weeks.

 Please listen to the lyrics, they are so beautiful and comforting.)

After nearly two years of trying to conceive another child, we finally found out on September 9^th that our family was excitedly expecting a new addition in May!

Our excitement quickly turned into caution, however, two weeks after the positive pregnancy test when our first ultrasound showed that I was either way earlier than I was expecting to be or I was carrying something called a blighted ovum.

Our second ultrasound and subsequent blood tests a week later didn’t do much to alleviate our fears, though it gave us a little more reason to hold on to at least a little bit of hope. 

Our third ultrasound two weeks after the second one confirmed our worst fears—my pregnancy wasn’t viable.

A perfectly intact gestational sac was securely protecting the space inside my womb where our child should have been. My hormone levels were strong, trying to maintain a pregnancy that was no longer growing. A big ugly, dark, sad, empty hole showed on the screen with no signs of life. No yoke sac. No fetal pole. No baby. No heartbeat. My gestational sac was just empty. Yet I’ve spent the last month and a half feeling tired, sick, nauseous, sore and bloated as if everything inside of me was developing just fine.

You see, both conception and implantation occurred as normal. But shortly after implantation our baby stopped growing. This could have been due to chromosomal abnormalities or it could have been just a random unexplainable event. Either way it happened. But, by the time our baby stopped growing, my body was already in the throws of sustaining the life it thought was developing inside.

The truth is that our sweet little baby was gone before I ever even took a pregnancy test. Our family spent a lot of time excited about this addition to our family without knowing that its life had been snuffed out before we even knew of its existence.

  

We’re still trying to process this news as a family—how quickly excitement and anticipation can turn into fear and disappointment. Life is fragile, but I know that God is good, even when I don’t understand his ways or his purposes. He let me experience life inside my womb, if only for an extremely short period of time and for that I am grateful.

Or at least, I’m trying really, really hard to be. Children are a blessing from the Lord, no matter their size or how long they were here with us. Sweet baby, you were loved by your mommy and daddy, your sister and your brother despite the fact that we never got hold you in our arms.

Baby, let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you… you’ll just have heaven before we do…