Over the past several months I have started many blog posts and finished very few. I typically write about what's on my heart or my mind or something that is spurred by current happenings in my world.
That's easy to do when my attitude is good and life is generally pleasant. It's much tougher to do when I feel like I'm just barely holding it together. Not that I don't want to be real--I really do. But, I don't want to be negative and depressing. Or rather, I don't want my blog to be negative and depressing. If I'd posted the last several months worth of potential postings that really have been on my heart and mind I'm afraid I wouldn't have any readers left!
This blog was never intended to be about infertility and miscarriage, yet that's what's consumed my thought life for the last several months. Therefore, when I sit down to write other things I almost feel like I'm betraying what's truly in my heart. If I write a light-hearted post about all of the great Christmas recipes I tried and shared with others I feel like I'm polishing the outside and showing you that while trying to hide the yucky inside. So instead, I just haven't really written much of anything.
Which brings me to a question that I discussed with a couple of girlfriends last night as we delved into a new study appropriately titled, "Stuck". How much of our lives should we share publicly when we are somewhere near the depths of despair? In my situation, as a pastor's wife, I desire to be real, but I don't think it's appropriate for me to walk around airing my dirty laundry (so to speak) for anyone willing to listen.
Where's the line between being real and open and honest, and being reckless? I am open for suggestions!
Hopefully I am being more real (and appropriate) than reckless in sharing where I am currently. Most days I'm doing just fine, so please don't be concerned that I'm sitting on the couch eating bon-bons all day wallowing in my own self pitty. Though, I have indulged in a few too many sea salt chocolate caramel truffles from Costco lately, but I digress!
Though I'm fine on most days I have been surprised at how often my emotions spiral down hill at lightning pace without any notice or warning. I'm typically fairly even-keeled in my emotions so this reoccurring tail spin catches me off guard every time. And honestly, I'm just not sure what to do with it. I try to lace up my big girl boots and march along with life as normal, but I know in my heart my emotions are unstable and something just isn't 'right'. I typically try to ignore my unstable emotions as much as possible until they even out again. That's me. My name's Robyn, I'm an emotional stuffer. The end.
I got my hands on a book about miscarriage from the library yesterday, so maybe that will help me figure out how to walk through some of what I'm feeling. I'm ready to turn over a new leaf and say good-bye to this chapter of my life along with saying good-bye and good riddance to a tumultuous 2011. One step at a time I guess.
Spiritually, let me assure you that pastor's wives walk through desserts and valleys too. And yes, I'm currently in a valley somewhere in the middle of the dessert. In comparison to what I know so many others are enduring right now I feel bad even complaining. This very short, momentary suffering in my life has shaken me far beyond what I would have expected. I have seen people walk through far more dire circumstance with loads more grace than I've been able to muster in the midst of this hurt. I have more questions for and about God than I have answers right now. He is no different now than he was four months ago before I ever found out I was pregnant and walked along the road of loosing my baby. He is no less good. He is no less holy. He is no less righteous. In my head I know that, but in my heart I still hurt. In some ways, I'm not sure I'm ready to turn that hurt over to God yet. Maybe I fear that healing = forgetting, and I don't want to forget. Maybe I'm still highly emotional and irrational and unreasonable and nonsensical and there really isn't a logical rhyme or reason to why I'm not choosing to do what I know in my heart needs to be done? Yeah, it's probably more of the latter.
With all of that being said, maybe I'll write more about miscarriage once I'm past the hurting stage and further into the healing stage? One of the things that frustrated me most about enduring the miscarriage is that it was absolutely nothing like I was expecting. The post-miscarriage healing process is also something that I'm not completely sure how to walk through, nor do I know what's "normal". I wish more people would write about it. I wish more people would talk about it. I wish infertility and baby-loss where something more people shared about because it affects so many of us, yet for the most part we all suffer silently. I want to be part of making talking about it less of a cultural taboo. But, I have a feeling my words will be more helpful to others, and spoken out of less raw, unbridled emotion if I let a little more time pass before I write more about it.
So, with that being said, I'm giving myself permission to write about other things, despite the fact that what I'm writing on any given day might not be a direct reflection of what's on my heart and mind. It might be more of a distraction than anything. I hope this post shows you that I'm not trying to polish the outside and pretend like everything's okay. I'm just not at a place where it's appropriate to publicly share yet.
I felt the need to explain my absence to my readers and to create a bridge between miscarriage and, say, recipes. Because jumping from one to the other without explanation just doesn't feel right.
With that being said, I have several posts that have been rolling around in my head. Perhaps you could weigh in on what you'd like to read about to give me some inspiration to get past this writer's block I've been experiencing?
Here are some things that I've been mulling over:
Recipes: I've been doing a lot in the kitchen over the last several months. It helps me feel productive!
Meal Planning: This is one area of my life that is actually organized. I almost always have a plan for dinner and the ingredients on hand to make it happen.
Disneyland: Why we love it? How we afford to go as often as we do (hint, we don't have any rich relatives indulging our Disney desires, it actually takes work, planning and budgeting!)? Tips and tricks for a good Disney experience? When is the best time age to take your kids? Other ideas?
Organizing: I am no expert, but I know what it's like to struggle in this area. I have recently found a little bit of success here though.
Finding my inner athlete: Have you seen her? I know she's in there somewhere, I'm just having a hard time finding her!
Education: Why we school our kids the way we do and why we reserve the right to change our mind at any given moment in time. FYI: I don't love any of my schooling options, so I'm liable to offend just about everyone with this post.
Job Charts and Daily Routines: A glimpse into what works for us as we try to teach our kids about responsibility and money.
Budgeting/Money: How we plan for Christmas in such a way that we don't stress about purchasing gifts when December rolls around? How we do our household budget (it's taken a lot of work, but it's at a point where it's completely on auto-pilot. We don't stress about money because we have a plan for every dollar before it ever enters our home)? Why we are an anti-debt family? Other money/budget related topics?
Foster Parenting: We have enough experience behind us now that I'd be happy to start sharing some insights we've learned if there's any interest in reading about it.
An extension of what's already on the blog: Smoothies, Hairstyles, Love Story Updates.
Other ideas? I'm totally open to suggestions and I'd love some input as to what you'd enjoy reading about.