Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Dear Little One-- A Little Scare

Dear Little One,

Have I told you lately that I love you?

You gave me quite a scare a little more than a week ago. I had a little bit of a reason to be concerned Sunday night and an increasing reason to be concerned Monday night, which sent me into a little bit of a tail spin.

I realized that somewhere along the lines of the last couple of weeks I've gone about talking about you in the "if we get to bring you home" context to the "when you're born" context. So the thought of losing you at 15 weeks almost sent me over the edge.

Since the moment I found out about you I made a committment to hold your life with an open hand. I was intent on seeing the beauty that is the unexpected gift of your life no matter how many days I get to know you in my womb, and regardless of whether or not I get to bring you home.

But I realized Monday night how desperately I want to bring you home. I want to hold you and kiss you and smell your sweet smell. I want to nibble your toes and comfort you when you cry. I want to meet your needs and enjoy every aspect of your presence. I want a chance to meet you outside of my womb. I will love you and treasure you and celebrate your life regardless of the outcome, but I really, really, really want to know you.

I fretted all night about whether or not to go to the E.R., but I had an appointment already scheduled for Tuesday morning so after talking to the on-call doctor I decided to just take it easy and wait until the morning. At this stage, there wouldn't be anything they could do if my body began the process of miscarriage.

So I wondered and I worried and I waited all of Monday night, and I spent the evening texting my friend Marnie who happens to be due the same day and is very knowledgeable on all things prenancy related. She did her best to help me make sense of what might be going on, but most importantly she was a listening ear. Daddy spent the evening comforting me and praying for you and I eventually managed to drift off to sleep while gripping a handful of tear soaked tissues.

I'm not entirely sure how to add a sound bite to my blog,
but here is a picture of the sound waves of your
sweet little heart beating! Ignore the date, that
was the date I recorded it to my phone from a
video your daddy took.  
I woke up super early Tuesday morning and was preparing for the worst, while praying for God to preserve your life. Daddy and I went to the doctor and right away the nurse found your heartbeat. 156 beautiful beats per minute! Have I ever told you how much I love that sound?

It's such a sweet, sweet sound.

I will never get tired of hearing it!

The doctor examined me and did an in office ultrasound and as far as she can tell everything looked good. We got to see you (it was daddy's first time!) and you were once again very active. You waved at us and danced around. A few hours after that appointment the symptoms I was experiencing began to die down and I started feeling you move around again. The doctor isn't sure the reasons behind the scare, but she was very reassuring about what she saw. I am amazed that I live in a time where technology can give us such a clear peak into your world inside my womb.

I am grateful, as it put my mind greatly at ease.

I treasure these moments and even the scares, as they are a constant reminder of what a gift you are and how precious life is. I am so very grateful for you. I forgot how intense a mother's love can be for a child she's never laid eyes on. I hope someday you get an opportunity to write letters to a little one of your own.



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