I'm typically a fairly cheery person. I'm an optimistic, happy-go-lucky, go with the flow kind of gal.
Right now, however, I'll admit it-- I'm grumpy. Yes, pastor's wives get grumpy too! I'm kind of a mix between emotionally exhausted, sad, angry, frustrated, irritated, mad, and bummed. There are several situations in my life right now that are causing the above feelings that are totally out of my control.
I like being in control.
This out of control, there's nothing I can do about it kind of stuff is not my cup of tea. I know God has a plan. I know his plan is far greater than mine. I know he doesn't owe me any sort of explanation about why he's choosing to do (or not do) any and all of the things that contribute to the aforementioned emotional mess I feel right now.
Sometimes though, I wouldn't mind an explanation. Or at least a little foreshadowing? A little extra dose of understanding?
I trust God. I wholly and completely trust God. I trust God when life is peachy and I trust him when it down right stinks. His character doesn't change just because my situation changes. Who am I to trust him any less just because life isn't going 100% my way right now? Oh, I'll be honest though, my flesh much prefers when life is comfortable!
So today, I hurry up and wait. I hold tightly to faith in my unchanging God. I still sit and let my mind wander, trying in vain to figure out why God is doing what he's doing in my little world. But that mind wandering is driving me batty. Who am I to try to figure out something God clearly hasn't revealed to me yet?
So, perhaps I ought to change my perspective. Perhaps I should wait patiently instead of anxiously? I've never been very patient. Though I've never been really anxious either. I prefer to busy myself to the point that my mind is too occupied to dwell on the what-if's? why-so's? & when's?
I don't know if it's healthy, but distraction seems to be my go-to coping mechanism. Today I have floors to mop, food to process, laundry to fold, dinner to start, and a house to get ready for small group tonight.
Perhaps I should start with a shower though. Or maybe some food? Yes, it's almost noon and I haven't accomplished any of these very basic daily tasks yet. That's what happens when I let myself 'think'. I 'think' myself into a rut and I wallow in my own emotional self-pitty. It's not my favorite place to be. Really, I'm not a big fan of pitty parties-- mine or anyone else's!
So, I'm going to pack up the party supplies (whatever that means), and try to make the best of my next four hours, considering I have accomplished not one single thing in the last four. Unless you include taking my daughter to school, but even that I did in my pajama bottoms. Here's to hoping I wake up on the right side of the bed tomorrow! Keeping it real...